My diagnosis journey began in my early 20’s. I had just learned that my boyfriend of almost 5 years and the father of my child had cheated on me. I learned this just 2 days after finding out I was pregnant again. Needless to say, I had a bit of a breakdown. I tried to drive my car into a tree and realized that I needed help.
I went to therapy and was immediately taken to the hospital. I spent several days in the psych ward at my local hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don’t remember what meds they put me on at the time, but there were many more to come in the following years. I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to get this disease under control.
So, what does mania look like for me? I’m more of a hypomania person myself. I don’t get the more severe mania symptoms. Mine are milder and don’t cause as much disruption in my life. I get the increased energy, creativity, and talkativeness, but I don’t get grandiose thoughts or extreme impulsiveness. I’m incredibly lucky in that way.
My hypomania is a bit of a blessing at times. I suffer from extreme depression, so those moments of hypomania are a bit of a bright spot for me. I get my house cleaned and finish projects around my house. I am so much more social, and I talk…. a lot! I probably overshare more than I should. I get the racing thoughts as well, but overall, I have learned to love my hypomania.
My depression on the other hand, is extreme. The older I get, the worse my depression seems to become. I don’t feel those feelings of failure or self-hatred. I don’t feel anything at all. There is a hollowness that consumes me when I’m in a depressive state. I have zero energy to do anything, including taking care of myself. I don’t eat right or have the motivation to exercise. I don’t sleep well either. There are times that I cannot get out of bed and other times when it takes everything I have to do so. These episodes can last for a few days or months to years. The most severe episode I’ve had lasted for 2 ½ years! It is exhausting!
Now, can you imagine for a moment, having a mixed episode? Where you go through all those things at the same time. Mania and depression often happen simultaneously for me. I’m still depressed, but I want to do EVERYTHING all at once. It’s debilitating. No one around me knows how to deal with me when I’m having a mixed episode.
I think, for myself, the depressive episodes are triggered by certain events. When something happens in my life that should make me sad, it makes me uncontrollably sad. I mean, when your boyfriend leaves you pregnant and alone with a 4-year-old child, you should get depressed, right? I just fall down the rabbit hole instead of seeing a way out.
Now, I’ve tried so many things over the years to cope with my disease. I’ve done therapy. I’ve done medication. I try to eat better and exercise when I can. I meditate. I have so many hobbies that it’s turning into a problem. There are so many things one can do to help deal with the symptoms of bipolar disorder. You just have to find the right combo for you.
As you might imagine, this has caused a pretty severe impact on my relationships. My poor husband has had to learn to navigate my moods, and it has not been easy for him. My kids often don’t know who they are going to get when they see me. However, everyone in my life knows about my diagnosis and I’m very vocal about my needs or lack thereof. The most important thing for me is communication. My family and friends understand that when I’m deep in it, it’s not personal and I love them.
Now, while I cannot mask things at home, at work, no one would know I was in the midst of an episode. Well, at least, not a depressive episode. I can’t hide my hypomania as well, but I’m an expert at hiding my depression. I know there are many that suffer from episodes so bad that they cannot work, but I’ve been lucky enough to be able to continue to work without too much impact.
Over the years, I’ve learned that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. I can get through just about anything. I don’t get suicidal anymore because this journey has taught me that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been through things that would break someone else, and I’ve made it through. You can too. If you are struggling with your mental health, educate yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to tell you how to do it or what to do. Read everything you can about your diagnosis. Try all the meds, because one day, you’ll find the right combination and you’ll understand that life can be good again. As long as you breathe, there is hope. Don’t forget that!