List 10 things you love about yourself.
- My eyes.
- My kindness.
- My empathy.
- My love of hobbies.
- My tattoos.
- My strength.
- My capacity to love.
- My fierce loyalty to my family.
- My hair.
- My mouth.
You see my list? This is the first time in my life that I’ve been able to write a list like that. If you had asked me yesterday, I couldn’t do it. You know why? The answer is simple. I always assumed that the list had to be physical things that I love about myself. It just never occurred to me that I could pick anything about myself that I love…..not just about how I look.
I’ve always been shown that women were supposed to be judged by their looks. That’s what every movie, magazine, and TV show told us. It’s what teachers and parents showed us by their treatment. Boys were valued for their brains and brawn. Girls were valued for their ability to submit. We were expected to submit to their ideas of what a girl should be.
This is something that has been driven home to girls for a very long time. It’s got to stop at some point, right? At some point, we’re going to been seen as people and not by our gender, right?
Maybe. Maybe not.
The world we live in now is one that is dangerous for women. All around the world, women are seen as less than somehow. It just doesn’t make any sense to me, but that’s the reality of the situation. I want to tell you a little story of a conversation I had last year.
I was sitting on my front porch with my partner, my father, and one of my brothers. Now, when my family gets together, there is always some sort of political discussion. This one just happened to involve abortion and women’s rights. Mind you, I’m the only female in this discussion……
All the men around me kept interrupting me when I tried to speak. I literally said a handful of things before I was shut down again. I am the only person on the porch that has actually had an abortion and had my rights stripped from me. The only person that could actually tell them what that really means in a way that is personal and factual, and not one of them let me talk.
Not my partner.
Not my father.
Not my brother.
I talked to my partner that night laying in bed. I explained to him what had happened because like most men, he didn’t even notice there was an issue with what they had done. I explained to him that it really hurt and pissed me off that I couldn’t be part of a conversation that should have included me on my own fucking porch. I pointed out that if they really cared all that much about women’s rights, they should start with the women around them.
My partner and I have had many conversations about the way women are treated since we had our daughter. She’s a teenager now and as you can guess, she has had to deal with a fair amount of harassment already in her life. I remember one such conversation where I tried to explain to my husband what it was like to walk into a room you’ve never been before with a bunch of people you’ve never met. I explained to him that I knew every exit was, where every male in the room was, what I could use in the room as a weapon just in case someone tried something.
Being a woman is exhausting. You are in a constant state of awareness, anxiety, and fear. I can’t tell you how many times I have been screamed at while walking down the street or followed in a store or called a bitch because I didn’t want to give some guy my phone number. When I was about 7 months pregnant with my first child I was followed home one night. I was out walking home from my sister’s house late and terrified. He followed me all the way home and I was running! I didn’t turn on any lights in my apartment because I didn’t want him to know which one was mine! See, it doesn’t matter what the woman looks like (because I was a fucking house at the time!). It only matters that she’s female and men think they are allowed to say anything they want.
So, how do we fix it? I’m all about looking for solutions so this is how I’m making a difference. Number One. I’m teaching my sons to respect women and men alike. I don’t allow them to make stupid jokes about girls and I don’t let them listen to that shit from other people. I’m teaching them to stand up for others no matter what. You’re friend just called his ex a bitch? You better let him know that’s not cool.
Number Two. I do my best to call that shit out when I see it. Point Blank. Period.
And finally, Number Three. I respect other women. I don’t call women names anymore or try to tear other women down. I do my best to lift them up and create a sisterhood around me. It’s amazing. You should try it sometime.
-SM